Wanting, versus needing from Warriors' Experience

Translations of this material:

into Russian: Желания против нужды, из записей "Опыт Воинов". Translated in draft, editing and proof-reading required.
Submitted for translation by Warriorskeep 16.12.2016

Text

Question:

Théun, I have come to see what a fraud I am because of constantly seeking approval. How do I now work with this? I have also come to see that perhaps I should go back into the corporate world which I ran away from after having been fired, because I can now clearly see that simply to make changes in my current business is not going to help me change my behaviour. I suppose the only thing that keeps me from forging ahead with this is my concern for my existing students. Yet unless I change my behaviour I fear I am only doing them harm rather than good.

Answer:

First of all, let us be clear on what is the cause of both fraudulence and approval seeking. Except for the rare case MOST frauds CHOOSE to indulge in this type of behaviour because they BELIEVE that if they are HONEST and UPFRONT it will be clear to others that they have nothing of REAL value to offer! This is where fraud starts, namely, PRETENDING to be something you are not! But, of course, this is not enough, for deep down inside you STILL believe that even WITH all of your pretense you are STILL not going to get what you want because you don't deserve it, or you will be denied it in some way. And so starts the THEFT! If I can't get what I WANT then I will get it by whatever means are open to me, even IF I have to STEAL it! One thing leads to another, and what starts off as a WANT soon enough becomes justified as a NEED, and thus, like all wayward behaviour, fraudulence soon enough becomes quite ADDICTIVE and therefore COMPULSIVE!

Approval seeking is in fact the other side of the SAME coin, namely, believing that you have nothing of REAL value to offer, and so you simply MUST get approval by whatever means are open to you, for it is only by getting approval that you feel okay about yourself! Needless to say, even IF you get ALL the approval you are seeking, deep down inside you always STILL feel like you have nothing of value and therefore you WANT more and more, all the time convincing yourself that you NEED more and more! Again, this is hugely ADDICTIVE and COMPULSIVE! In the case of the outright FRAUD, the addiction manifests as the OPPRESSOR, or for the sake of simplicity, the VICTOR! In the case of the Approval Seeker, the addiction manifests as the VICTIM, or for the sake of simplicity, the UNLOVED, UN-APPRECIATED and UNDERPAID UNDER-DOG!

From what I have explained so far it should now not be too difficult for you to see how in the case of BOTH the Fraud and the Approval Seeker, both get EXTREMELY angry when their EXPECTATIONS are not met, or when their EFFORTS at getting what they believe they NEED are frustrated!

So what I am pointing out to you is the hole you have dug for yourself. I am pointing out to you how VERY ADDICTIVE and COMPULSIVE your behaviour has become! I am also pointing out to you that whilst CAUGHT in this MINDSET you simply CANNOT stop the behaviour because RATIONALLY you cannot see HOW to stop it! If you simply stop you EXPOSE yourself for being the Fraud and the Approval Seeker you are! And if you KEEP persisting in this behaviour you just feel worse and worse about yourself! But I am pleased to see that you HAVE in-deed DE-CIDED to put a stop to the behaviour even IF this exposes you in ways that you FEAR most DEEPLY! However, what is unclear to me at this point in time is whether you have ever REALLY acknowledged to yourself the extremely DEEP sense of SHAME you experienced at the time of having been exposed in the corporate world before you got fired from your job. But what I can see very CLEARLY is that AFTER this exposure you went ALL OUT to NEVER again be seen in such an unfavourable light! But what you have only NOW come to realise is that you have never RESOLVED this sense of shame, but merely swung to the opposite polarity of now being the BENIGN fraud, whilst SECRETLY having hoped that THIS was going to REGAIN for you your lost esteem in the eyes of other people, in other words, that people will once again APPROVE of you!

What has finally caught up with you is your HISTORY and your SELF-IMAGE which, in spite of WHICH polarity you are at, remains UNALTERED! You have simply carted your BAGGAGE from one pole to the other! So the ONLY way you CAN resolve your history as well as finally starting to dismantle your self-image is by going back into the corporate world and FACING the song and dance you created around yourself! However, although you are HEARING the challenge in this, your MIND has already started to ROMANTICISE it! I say this because you are STILL busy with approval seeking because I am not at all convinced that you truly wish to do this for YOU! Instead I see a man who is saying, "Okay, so that didn't work, and this doesn't work, but hey, if I roll over and play meek and mild, and if I tell my fellow apprentices how untrustworthy I am, my students will APPROVE of my so-called honesty. And if I admit to Théun that I have been a fraud, Théun will surely approve of my honesty. And if I do as I am told, everyone will see me as being so WILLING to mend my ways. And hey, I just KNOW that with everything I have learned over these past few years, the corporate world is just going to lap me up and ADORE me!"

Wrong, my friend! You are going to find yourself HUGELY challenged should you return to the corporate world, if in no other way, than in HOW you are going to FEEL about yourself being back there! Yet, I agree that there is NO better way for you to break free from the FIXATION of your mindset than to go FACE what you ran away from! And this is WHY you yourself can FEEL that making changes in your work is NOT going to make your problems go away!

You speak of harm, but the only REAL harm you are doing is harming YOURSELF, for no matter HOW wayward we may be in our behaviour, we can never NOT serve the unwavering purpose of the Unspeakable! Even if we ONLY serve by default, we STILL serve! Kahlil Gibran expresses this so well when he asks, "Can the murdered be unaccountable for his own murder?" But the answer is clear is it not? No-one can murder you if you don't NEED to be murdered! And no-one can con you if you don't NEED to be conned! LOL!

Regarding your concerns with respect to your students, what CON-CERNS are you referring to? If you KNOW within your heart of hearts that you have given your BEST, your ALL, then there is no harm in saying to your students, "That's it! I am out of here!" If, on the other hand you KNOW that you have been leading them up the garden path, then once again, there is no harm in saying to them, "That's it! I am out of here!" The only thing which CAN stop you in either case is your DESIRE for APPROVAL from OTHERS! My friend, the ONLY approval the warrior NEEDS is his OWN approval, meaning that within his heart of hearts he KNOWS he is being utterly IMPECCABLE, regardless what others may THINK or SAY about his actions! So, quite frankly, I don't buy your so-called CON-CERNS! Let us just be honest and call a spade a shovel by saying this is much more about YOUR worry about YOUR social image and how this makes you feel about yourself! In fact, if you TRULY want to be HONEST with yourself, then ADMIT you don't care a STUFF about dropping your students! Now that you have gotten to this point they just make you feel shit about yourself anyway! LOL!

In the final analysis, it does not matter much at all WHAT you decide to do! How can anything matter when everything in your life up until now has been mere FOLLY? Surely the ONLY thing that CAN matter is that you begin to CONTROL your FOLLY! And the ONLY way in which to DO this is to take EVERYTHING you THINK, FEEL and DO as being a matter of life and death, whilst at the SAME time acknowledging to yourself that it is ALL still folly, albeit now CONTROLLED FOLLY! LOL! The teachings are so GLAMOUROUS, not so, my friend? <wg> But oh, also so goddamned UNCOMPROMISING when it comes to having to put them into PRACTISE!