Unworthiness, ARTICLE ON (Warriors' Journeys)

Author: Theun Mares. Link to original: http://www.toltec-legacy.com/public-articles/list.html (English).
Tags: Toltec Teachings, Unworthiness Submitted by Warriorskeep 06.02.2017. Public material.

Translations of this material:

into Russian: Никчёмность, статья (Путешествия Воинов). Translated in draft, editing and proof-reading required.
Submitted for translation by Warriorskeep 06.02.2017

Text

Recently with Theun's help I started to uncover my deep-seated feeling of unworthiness. The more I looked at it the more I could see its deep impact on my life, health and relationships.

Yet, since it was a FEELING it was very hard to not-do it. How do you not-do a feeling that works like a hidden conspiracy against the self? I knew it was there but I could do nothing because the enemy was invisible.

At the time of this discovery I was struggling with my driving test or, as I discovered, what I was actually struggling with, were my own successful attempts to sabotage myself. Together with that came the realization that social conditioning, which is so debilitating, is actually fed and supported by the feelings of unworthiness of people like me. My driving instructor benefits from my failures, my boss benefits from my unworthiness - I will work hard, believing that I deserve less. So it stood clear for me that if I felt unworthy for the gains I have worked for, someone else would take them. It was as simple as that.

So I got to a point of fully acknowledging my feelings of unworthiness, but I was still going nowhere. Parroting to myself that I AM worthy, did not make me believe it. It was just a thought rattling in my head. So I started to act "as if" I AM worthy. It felt very strange at the beginning, but slowly, slowly I started to get used to it. Acting "as if" proved to be the best way to not-do my unworthiness and to avoid slipping into "victim" mode. Acting "as if" I am worthy of the road helped me to pass my driving test; acting "as if" I am worthy made clear to employers, friends, family that they could no longer take me for granted. And although this approach did not eradicate the feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness, it allowed me to take what I had worked for, and then, once the achievement was finally in my hands, to start learning to grow worthy of it.

The feeling has not gone and I do not engage the hope that it will be gone overnight, only because I KNOW it is there and I AM making every effort to not-do it. But what makes a big difference is that the 'enemy' is spotlighted and the battle for my own worthiness is more and more like an open duel rather than hidden manipulation. And the more I learn about myself, the more I feel worthy of that duel and the more I enjoy it.