Self-pity, ARTICLE ON (Warriors' Journeys)

Author: Theun Mares. Link to original: http://www.toltec-legacy.com/public-articles/list.html (English).
Tags: Shortcomings, Toltec Teachings Submitted by Warriorskeep 25.01.2017. Public material.

Translations of this material:

into Russian: Само-уничижение, статья (Путешествия Воинов). Translated in draft, editing and proof-reading required.
Submitted for translation by Warriorskeep 25.01.2017

Text

My shortcoming is self-pity, which is the passive expression of the dark-jewel Egotism (22). It always helps for me to remember that my shortcoming is the way I experience resistance. So, when I am faced with a conflict my tendency has been in some way to experience self-pity.

When I was younger this manifested itself in many ways. The most common expression was for me to feel isolated and less-than everyone. I always felt that others were out to "get" me. Due to this perception I was never willing to make myself vulnerable, and I lived a rather lonely existence. During this time the one way I thought I could safely make myself vulnerable was through sex, but that is another story. :)

From my own experience I have been able to see how much of an asset my shortcoming has been. It is like an adversary whom you have fought with for so many years, that you cannot imagine your life without him. Even more, you realize that you would not be as strong a person as you are today without that adversary always stalking you.

In trying to transmute my shortcoming I needed to look objectively at the properties of self-pity in terms of its effects on my awareness. To see this, let's first look at the dark jewel Egotism. When I contemplate this jewel and look at it on a FEELING level, I get a sense of isolation, like I am an isolated point floating within a black abyss. A sense that it is me here and the world "out there". That is, a sense of separativeness. Now add the passive expression of self-pity, which is my shortcoming, and that point floating within the abyss is now no longer equal to what it is immersed in, and more so, is found lacking. This is the most fundamental way in which I can describe the FEELING of self-pity. When this state of awareness interacts with my daily perceptions it gives rise to countless behaviors.

The most obvious benefit to working with self-pity has been the constant struggle to find my worth within the moment. The constant struggle is to keep myself from reacting the moment a challenge arises, and feeling hard-done-by or inadequate. Over time this struggle has had a stabilizing effect on me. I find that I am able to keep a very cool head during sudden challenges that arise. I have surprised myself on many occasions with my new-found ability to respond quickly and effectively in the moment. Looking at this fundamentally, I can see that this sense of DETACHMENT corresponds to the TENSION that arises between the point and the abyss.

This expression of awareness may on the surface seem like a disadvantage, because one would expect that it causes you to feel inferior towards others. Yet, what I have found is that the sense of inferiority that one initially experiences through experiencing my shortcoming is only the result of a selective perception. The selective perception of acknowledging another's worth without acknowledging your own.

When I have overcome this selective perception with the use of the teachings, I am left with a very different experience of my shortcoming. The expression of awareness that I used to manifest as I described above, now manifests as a very real sense of confidence and STABILITY. It is like I am now outside the point floating within the abyss and seeing that point's place within the greater whole. The tension that arises from the sense of separativeness is now used as a way to get a grip on what is happening within the greater whole.