Mother's Awareness (Warriors' Journeys)

Author: Theun Mares. Link to original: http://www.toltec-legacy.com/public-articles/list.html (English).
Tags: Awareness, Mother's Submitted by Warriorskeep 06.04.2018. Public material.

Translations of this material:

into Russian: Материнская сторона Осознанности (Путешествия Воинов). Translated in draft, editing and proof-reading required.
Submitted for translation by Warriorskeep 06.04.2018

Text

As I re-assess my life I can see how large a part "fear of mother" has played, tied up as it is with seeking the approval of "mother".

I've put the word "mother" in quotes, because many different people can represent and be perceived as the mother: for example, your wife, your boss or an older, respected friend.

So what is this a fear of? I don't feel there's an easy answer to this, but would like to share my own experience of working with this.

There is a fear of punishment, of being wrong, of being bad, of failing, of somehow not being what the "mother" wants you to be.

This last phrase is important: not being what another wants you to be.

In recapping, it is clear to me that to belong and feel a wanted member of the family required I that towed certain lines. As a child, I explored a great deal, and time and time again, this was stated to be outside the bounds, and I was punished in some way.

It doesn't take a child long to learn that if they are going to survive, then they cannot be who they are, but must instead fall in line with what is demanded.

To that end, I became what my mother wanted me to be, namely: "a good boy who did as he's told".

Having spent so much of my childhood intent on building this cage for myself, it became largely invisible to me. All I was aware of was the effects emotionally and behaviourally. My actions were often designed to cause minimum fuss. Rather than follow my feelings and thoughts on a matter, I would choose based on what the "mother" would like.

As disempowering as this felt, I also felt there was no other option available to me. I had believed that this was, somehow, who I was.

Seeing that and owning it has been brought me a lot of tears and a lot of regrets.

Yet I know that having written my own script, it was the challenge I needed. So having set this up for myself and bought into it hook, line and sinker, now is the time for the payoff in terms of learning. The gifts are there, if I work for them.

This is not all done and dusted for me, by any means. There is so much in this. Not only to work with in terms of clarity and soul-searching, but in terms of not-doing with respect of believing in myself and sharing my feelings and thoughts openly without fearing to be "mad, bad or sad".

I have found this projection of "mother" to be most apparent in my marriage. Now, no woman wishes to marry a son, and neither does a man wish to be a son (again) to a new mother. Yet, this was my experience, one way or another; and I went into it with my eyes wide-open.

I knew where I was, and I knew that it was going to be a tough journey. It was, is, and will continue to have it's tough and tender moments - I would have it no other way. As such, this is no easier for my wife, who has her own challenges with respect to this.

By far the most difficult aspect in this challenge for me, is in owning the behaviour. It simply feels so awful and humiliating to me. And it's easy to see how by judging it this way, I could quite easily have swept the whole thing under the carpet, and set about living "around it".

But that, as those who are on this path come to know, is not an option.

I truly believe that many men have to deal with this very same challenge and do so in a variety of ways.